Saturday, May 31, 2008

Welcome to Idiotsville!

Population: me.

Silly little me got on the wrong train when I left work today, didn't I?

I don't know left from right, and it would seem that I don't know east from west either. It was only at the second stop that I realised, so I quickly alighted, changed platforms and squeezed myself on to a west bound Jubilee train. Only for it to be removed from service at the next stop because the Jubilee line was now closed. So I changed to the Northern line, amidst a crush of people, past a bagpipe player, and alongside a woman hell bent on elbowing me out of the way. Another packed train and another change over, and finally I was heading home on the District line. And then the hens party got on, with their too-short dresses and their cork wedge heels and their shrieks.

I'm not as smart as I look. Nowhere near.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


Snaps to Facthunt, for our SIXTH consecutive trivia win!

Snaps to Tesco Direct, for delivering my new mattress! Sayonara crappy old mattress with the springs that nearly dislocated my shoulder, oh, you shall not be missed.

Snaps to the Barley Mow, our new favourite (non local) pub! It was well worth the three-tube hour-long trip to Shoreditch just to enjoy the generous hospitality of Eddie, Laura and Greg. Magners for £2, unlimited credits on the jukebox, free run of the place after 11pm, hilarious foreign accents, and ridiculous card tricks – you know I’ll be going back.

Snaps to me for getting a new job! A 10-week contract with a great company and the title of ‘Marketing & Events Executive’. Best part is that I don’t have to do another Birmingham conference with my current job. I am fabulous in London, Birmingham not so much.

Snaps to Marks & Spencer! I will never tire of their chicken laksa noodle salad. I’ve had it at least a dozen times since I’ve been here, and it just keeps getting better. M&S, you don’t put a foot wrong.

Snaps to The People’s Post Office! You may make me wait half an hour in the queue, but it only cost me £6.45 to send a large package to Australia.

Snaps to Mark and Matt for giving us a Wii console! The dance mat is super fun, even if Amber is mega competitive and won’t tell me how to use the hand controls so she can be the best at ‘Rhythm is a Dancer’.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Sunny Sunday in South West Londy

So, it was my 25B (I refuse to say I’m 26) birthday on the weekend. We went out in Soho on Saturday night and had a bit of fun. There was French champagne, my faithful partner in crime, old school friends, new gay husbands, jugs of cosmopolitans, dancing with bathroom attendants, aviator sunglasses, stacks on, long stemmed roses, posed photos, Jazzify street performances, cold samosas, a sea captains hat, and a fry up when we got home. And that’s all I am going to say about that.

I'm not a huge fan of birthdays, but this one was pretty good despite being so far away from my family. I loved all of my cards and flowers and presents, thank you all so much!

As for what we did on my actual birthday, I'm going to let Amber tell that story. So how about a warm round of applause for our guest blogger, Amby!

London days begin early in May - sun rises at around 5 am and doesn't set until nearly 10 pm. An unseasonable week of fantastic weather sets the scene for last Sunday which was a long day full of observations of life in the capital Britain.

After returning home rather late the previous evening (nudged Cinderella out of the way as I made my way through the door), Amanda, Matt, Mark and I ventured down to 'The Slug' to watch a much anticipated Brisbane Broncos vs. Manly Sea Eagles match. As we were all feeling the effects of the previous night (Mandy's 25Bth birthday) we kicked off the morning with some grease (big burger with lots of lard) and a pinch of the hair of the dog (in my case a pint of Magner's Irish cider). The weather was absolutely glorious (27 degrees and sunny), so not surprisingly, all of the pasty locals and their mangy dogs had also ventured out - the fact that there was a Chelsea vs. Bolton football (soccer) semi also added to the colourful delights that filled the streets of Fulham. As the Brisbane Broncos descended into a fiery ball of failure, the 'Slug' slowly filled itself with rowdy soccer yobs either dressed in non-flattering costumes, too tight jerseys or, worst of all, the teams' 'away' jersey (featuring bare chest, beer belly and hairy sponsorship). As the game wound down I had the good fortune to comment to a middle-aged Bobby about my preference for rugby league over the wussy round ball sport. He agreed and we launched into a great conversation about Wigan and the glory days of Ellery Hanley - he asked me if I was going to be back at the pub 'tonight' - he was concerned about my safety I think. So I assured him I would be staying out of the way of any riots, chanting or police violence - he looked disappointed.

Mandy and I left the Slug (the crowd had become suffocating and Matt and Mark had already deserted us in favour of Sunday lounging at home). As we made our way down the street we were greeted by more and more 'away jerseys'. Disgusted by the lack of dignity of these football fans, Mandy reported her concerns to some young cops keeping an eye on proceedings. "Is that legal in this country?" Mandy asked pointing at a particularly large white specimen whose chafing could not only be seen but heard. One of the cops looked at his fellow countryman with a wry grin before replying "Yes ... but it shouldn't be!". The freak show didn't stop there. Between Farm Lane and Brompton Park Crescent is a small green space - good for exercising dogs or having a snooze or a read on nice days (it's just a shortcut to me). As we entered the green space a man (in a Chelsea jersey of course) walked past us with his young son and wife and other child trailing. As he passed he suddenly jerked his head to the side, placed one finger over his nostril and blew as hard as he could. Yes folks - he pulled out the bushman's hankie!!! On the ground. In front of his family. In front of us. My stomach lurched and I looked at his wife wondering how she ever mustered the courage to produce those two children with that man.

Probably should have stayed in after the morning of atrocities but it's rare that the weather is that good so M&A&M&A headed out the park adjoining our estate. We spread out some sheets as a makeshift picnic blanket and celebrated Mandy's birthday with some Marks and Spencer salad, Mumm champagne and some games of Uno. Luckily I had finished eating when three fat and rather white flamed-haired teenage girls entered the arena accompanied by a skinny little turd of a boy kicking a soccer ball. Two of the 'rangas' were holding hands and I thought it lucky that biology will prevent them from producing a child with both of their genes. The foursome began to kick a soccer ball around the park (even though it was clearly signed that ball games are not allowed!) and every time one of the ten-tonne trio 'scored' she would put the shirt over her head and run about like seismic occurrence. Needless to say this was just gross and like a car crash we all just couldn't stop looking. Eventually the sideshow had to end and the feral foursome walked towards the exit of the park. Two rangas holding hands again, third ranga third wheeling but then things got just that bit worse. The turdy kid walks over the ranga lesbians and proceeds to put his hands down the back of one of their pants. I think this was in a wedgie attempt but instead he just pulled this unfortunate girl's shorts down far enough for most of the park's inhabitants to dry-retch.

Meanwhile, a 'gentleman' entered the park wearing jeans, a button up shirt and carrying his lunch and a newspaper. He sat down approx ten metres from our party and proceeded to eat his lunch. Lunch eaten - check. He then took his shirt off. Shirt off - check. He then proceeded to read his newspaper. Newspaper read - check. He then lay down for a nap. Nap - check. He then not very subtly took off his jeans to expose a pair of non-elasticised Primark jockey shorts and flashed all of equipment in our direction. Who does that????????????? Lucky for us Mandy took a photo.

Time to leave the park and indeed the day behind. After an obligatory evening of delivered oriental food and Sex and City, the sun set on the longest Sunday in South-West Londy.....

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I'm in love

I've fallen head over heels in love!

I met him last night at a pub just around the corner, called The Farm.

His name is Jasper.


Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Things that are giving me the shirts this morning....

Dear colleague, why did you ask me to order packaging for a poster? I spent nearly half an hour finding the right tubes, writing the purchase order form, getting the purchase order approved, and calling and ordering them from the supplier. Then I phoned you to let you know, and you said you had already done it.

It is an open plan, yet relatively small office. Keep your yapping voice down when you are on the phone please. There is no need to project like you are down at Speakers’ Corner at Hyde Park on a Sunday afternoon.

The previous events manager just left boxes of stuff for me to unpack, without any instructions as to what to do with it. I can only assume you want me to do an event analysis with all these feedback forms, but don't worry, I’ll trawl through every file on the computer to find the template.

If you fill in a form asking me to send you something, then make sure your handwriting is legible. No one can read that blerrie chicken scratch.

Feels better to get that off my chest!

Friday, May 9, 2008

I take it all back

The tube sucks.

After getting on a super packed train this morning the stupid thing broke down. In between stations. In a tunnel. On a 25 degree morning. For 20 minutes. On my way to work. In a suit. It was then that I realised, hey, maybe I am claustrophobic.

And a lesson for any men reading this. Even though today was hot and you have to suffer through public transport, under no circumstances are you to wear a short sleeved business shirt under your pinstripe suit. Not ever. Okay?

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Tube characters

There are some funny people on the tube, such as....

The four year old girl who shmushed her banana and then peeled it and licked it like an ice-cream.

The young man who hadn't removed all of his face paint and was singing to himself.

The fabulously dressed young woman who thought it was okay to wear tan coloured stockings with strappy sandals.

The guy dressed in acid wash jeans. With matching jacket.

The attractive young man with a bottle of vodka and two bottles of coke, enjoying a few drinks on the way into the city.

The 65 year old woman in leather pants.

Amber's Grumpy Hot Tube Boy who begrudgingly gives up the fight for an empty seat - "Just take it!"

The many midgets in London. Sorry, I mean 'little people'.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Did somebody say roller disco?

Amber, Gioele and I headed out to Vauxhall on Thursday night for the roller disco. Here's what happened...

Amber disinfecting her hands with waterless hand cleanser before our dinner at the local chippie in Vauxhall.

The hall was a blur of disco lights, mirror balls, leg warmers, and too much fluro clothing on the heterosexual men for my liking...

I don't even have to ask Amber to pose any more, she's such a natural model!

Amber and Gioele showing off their skates as they check out the fire exit.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

It’s all good

Things are going great guns at the moment!

Firstly, Facthunt won trivia for the third time last night! Alex joined Amber, Juliet and I for our least convincing and least profitable win yet. However, we are starting to get a bit of a name for ourselves at the Kings Arms, so the manager gave us a free bottle of Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc (AU$50) when we got the hat trick.

Secondly, I received the best compliment from a girl at the pub: “I love your fringe, it looks sexy hot”. Ha ha ha!

And finally, I got a job! Although it is only a short-term contract position, it is a good organisation, interesting role, great money, and they want me to start straight away.

So yay for me!