Funnies in the News #2

Following on from the blog entry where I listed 43 reasons why I am not a bogan, how funny/ironic/appropriate is it that my initials are the acronym for anti-bogan?!


What's the opposite of a bogan?
In case it weren’t obvious enough, last week a book was released teaching people How To Spot a Bogan.

But what about the bogan’s arch-nemesis? The anti-bogan, if you will. You know the type. You quite possibly are one. (I suspect I might be.) Either way, despite the fact bogans procreate at faster rates, it's the anti-bogans who seem to be multiplying fastest in cities all around Australia.

Here’s how to spot an anti-bogan:

1. Their infatuation with bogans. They might protest to hate the bogan, but anti-bogans love nothing more than talking about bogans. It gives them something to feel superior about.

2. Their habitat: ABs can be found almost exclusively in cities. More specifically, within five kilometres of a city centre. To the AB, suburbs = wasteland.

3. Their choice of coffee. Not so much that they drink espresso coffee (that cultural battle is long dead, even a bogan enjoys a good cup of joe). No, the fact they can talk about it - analysing beans, blends and roasting times - for HOURS.

4. Their number one goal in life is to get a tweet shown on Q&A.

5. They assuage their middle-class guilt by buying free-range eggs, recycled toilet paper and offsetting the carbon on their next budget airline flight.

6. They love nothing more than reminiscing wistfully about their time spent living in Europe.

7. ABs would rather starve than eat a thick-crust pizza. Or white sandwich bread.

8. They never have children before the age of 30. May, however, dote obsessively on a cat or dog.

9. They feel uncomfortable in the presence of anyone, other than an RSL employee, wielding an Australian flag.

10. The anti-bogan will blanch at the mere mention of XXXX or VB. Drink exclusively boutique beers and only ever in bars, never pubs.

11. They profess to love multiculturalism but live in an almost exclusively white neighbourhood.

12. ABs buy all their fruit and veg from farmers markets because they “know where it comes from”.

13. They become apoplectic when discussing news in the “Murdoch press”. Secretly, though, love the fact this provides more opportunities to feel superior.

Not. A. Bogan.

43 reasons why I am not a bogan

Okay, this blog entry requires a bit of a background.

I'm not quite sure where it started, but for some time I have claimed that I am 43 kinds of awesome. And I have promoted this at any given opportunity, such as the time that I sent my resume to Nathan for a job at his work and slipped in a little PS on my cover letter noting that they should hire me because of these 43 kinds of awesome.

This story then jumps to about a month ago, just before the first State of Origin game. I had been on a few dates with the Accountant, a guy that I met through a friend of a friend. We had been discussing catching up to watch the game, but then I came down with a head cold so sent him an email letting him know that I would be bunking down and staying in to watch the game.

His reply was not quite what I was expecting: Compared to Amanda who although a bit bogan; least she hasn’t got as many head issues and communications are normal

My reply: I don't think you meant to send this to me, did you?

He responded with a gushing email about how he actually meant to email his friend (hi Rach!), whom he had just had lunch with, and said that they were discussing me in comparison to his last girlfriend.

Regardless of the circumstances (him talking about me to others, him comparing me to ex-girlfriends, him being such an effing idiot as to hit reply rather than forward), the Accountant accused me of being a bogan because I like State of Origin.

In response I have come up with a list of 43 reasons why I am not a bogan.

1. I enjoy witty political television dramas
2. I get overly passionate about pate
3. I cook challenging international recipes
4. I live in postcode 4006
5. I set up share portfolios for my nephews
6. I have a penchant for expensive champagne
7. I always use correct spelling and grammar, even in casual or hastily written communications
8. I rave about a documentary series called Seven Wonders of the Industrial World
9. I bought a large flat screen television without the financial assistance of a baby bonus
10. I give cufflinks as gifts
11. I know the 14 different punctuation marks and how to correctly apply them
12. I pay the full balance of my credit card at the end of every month
13. I don't own a tracksuit
14. I don't have a membership to an RSL club
15. I am 28 and don't have four kids
16. I don't argue over the price of a $7 slice of pizza
17. I bought my own apartment at the age of 24
18. I abhor sneakers and jeans
19. I don't watch Home & Away or Neighbours
20. I don't have a Southern Cross tattoo
21. I don't have a t-shirt or sock tan
22. I don't ride a Yamaha Virago
23. I don't have a spoiler on my car, nor do I have mag wheels
24. I use words like "nor"
25. I don't drink beer
26. I have regional preferences when it comes to wine
27. I don't know all the words to Cold Chisel's song "Khe San"
28. I prefer to read non-fiction books, with the exception of Sherlock Holmes
29. I have travelled to (numerous) other countries
30. I have a job as a well-paid 'Strategic Communications Coordinator'
31. I know the difference between red and white wine glasses
32. I have diversified investments
33. I have a gorgeous Marc Jacobs handbag rather than a tacky embellished Guess handbag
34. I was in the First VIII for rowing for two years, and was Captain of Boats
35. I was awarded a scholarship to a private university
36. I own a marble coffee table
37. I have private health insurance
38. I don't buy my cosmetics from the supermarket
39. I don't own any Ed Hardy clothing
40. I bought my car and motorbike outright, without finance
41. I have a French friend, Charlotte
42. I wear neckerchiefs
43. I vote in elections

Feel free to leave comments with further reasons why I am not a bogan!

Song of the day: Thunder Road

Today's song is Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road".

According to Wikipedia... "Thunder Road" is a song written and performed by Bruce Springsteen, and the opening track on his 1975 breakthrough album Born to Run. It is ranked as one of Springsteen's greatest songs, and often appears on lists of the top rock songs of all time. Rolling Stone magazine placed it as #86 on its "500 Greatest Songs of All Time." The lyrics to "Thunder Road" describe a young woman named Mary, her boyfriend, their hopeless lives and their "one last chance to make it real". Thematically, it reads as a nostalgic companion piece to "Born to Run".

Inspired by the American Flag scarf, dubbed "Born in the USA", that Johan and Jim Bob bought me for my birthday I decided to purchase a Bruce Springsteen Greatest Hits CD. Upon listening to it I realised how many awesome songs he wrote and how many of them I heart!

And I know that upon reading this, PJ will claim my love of the Boss as another addition to the list of 43 reasons why I am a bogan. However! My list of 43 reasons why I am NOT a bogan is nearly complete and shall be posted shortly.

So you're scared and you're thinking that maybe we ain't that young anymore, show a little faith there's magic in the night, you ain't a beauty but hey you're alright, oh and that's alright with me...